I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
