She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
