cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize