The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
