Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
