There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
