I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
