I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
