All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
