i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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