this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
