Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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