She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
