how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
