My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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