Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
