im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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