Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
