Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
