Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
