also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
