You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize