Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
