My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
