the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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