Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
