Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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