You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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