my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You are the jesus of drinking
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
