I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
