you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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