My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
