New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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