I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
