i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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