i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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