i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
