Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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