i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
