Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
