There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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