the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I came so hard my ears popped.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
