the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
