Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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