I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
