Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
