i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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