Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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