Moan for me like Helen Keller
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
