I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
