I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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