I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize