It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
