i just wanna soil my oats bro
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
