She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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