so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize