ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize