history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize