Where did you get a picture of my penis
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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