how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
