Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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