i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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