Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
