So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
