I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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