I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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